...hindi songs can lift me out of my depression when everything else fails.Isn't it great,then,that I have an Indian as a best friend?^.^ Should bug her to send me some hindi songs.I only have 2 in my mp4.

I'm trying to feel alive every day.Each day takes a lot of effort.I block everything and everyone out.

But,the only person that knows what is really going on with me beneath the veneer of tranquility/cheerfulness is Begum.Even then,she don't really know what exactly is going through my mind.But seeing as how we can read each other's minds so well,I'm guessing she already knows without me even telling her.=)

The thing that is bothering me right now is how disturbing my dreams have been of late.Like this morning...even though it was only a short duration of sleep,I had dreamt.Suffian was in it.He had apologised...then brushed me off again within minutes.It had hurt so much.

I was left behind.I tried to follow,but I lost sight of him.And I ended up waiting at a counter to sign up for dance lessons.I wonder if my dreams are trying to tell me that I should go back to dancing.I miss it.

As for Suffian,it wasn't the first time since the timeout that I've dreamt of him.There's been a few others.But then again,I'm quite glad I can't remember them right now.

Another disturbing dream I had was regarding Teacher.I've never felt so much hatred towards her before,like I did in the dream.Told Begum about it during our sleepover.She was just laughing at it.=) (Yay!We FINALLY had our first sleepover!LOL)

I long for true tranquility within my soul.It's too chaotic right now.I think I'm probably driving everyone nuts with my behaviour.

Due to that,I haven't been eating well,nor sleeping well.It's not that I don't want to.I can't.I'm surprised that I have not collapsed just as yet.I'm praying hard that everything will go smoothly on the day of my presentation.

It would NOT do for me to collapse on that day.And then I have a few hours to celebrate,before going off for training.Maybe I'll go to Swensen's and get myself some ice-cream.^__^

For now,there's a few things to look forward to.I just need to get through till next week.That's all.

The best news I've had this entire week was my UT2 results for Sports Coaching.I got a freaking A!^_______^ And apparently,was the only one in class to do so.15.5/20 I was damn shocked myself.

I kept the news from my parents till just now.Went to get ice-cream as a reward to break my fast with last night,though.With Begum,after our trip to Borders.And the experience is one that I swear Begum's gonna tease me for,for the rest of my life.-.-" AND she got pictures to prove it.-____-"

Anyway,guess I better get cracking on my poster.I still have to do my freaking tuition homework.SIGH...So goodnight!Or rather,good morning.Ciao!

P.S I think that I should spend more time with my boys from Team Siva.They really know how to make a person's day.Thanks Hafiz,Siva,Marv.^__^

My right leg muscles hurt.Hamstrings.A bit of the quads as well.Left hamstrings,too.Just a bit,though,thank goodness.Have some sorta blister below my left toe,and my toe nails have gotten themselves some "nail polish" on them.They're now blue.Lol.

Can barely move my right leg much.Ah well.Price you pay for training.Anyway,it's just DOMS.It'll be okay within the next two days.

And it'll be just in time for the outing/s.^__^ Think I'll be out the entire day.Heh.Should be fun.Though the only problem now would be cash.Always short of cash.=(

In any case,I've finally calmed down.I swear to God that that woman really tries my patience.I don't know what is going through her mind,and I don't think I even wanna know.Asalkan kau bahagia sudah lah.

I know that I'm not the most patient person in the whole world.I'm far from it.But seriously,for her to suddenly just act like that...it just leaves me in confusion,and gets me damn pissed off.

Okay,need to remind myself to CALM DOWN.

And it also doesn't help that I'm suddenly reminded that it's been 2 years.It's like a slap to the face.Has it really been two years??It's so hard to believe that...

I'm trying to put it all behind me.I'm trying to just...ignore.Move on.Pretend that I'm made of bricks and that nothing can penetrate through my brick walls.

Whenever I even feel a twinge of emotion,I'll get annoyed at myself.If I managed to be so emotionless (that is,I blocked out everything that was hurtful) a few years ago...why not now?

A few years ago...I wonder if I made the wrong decision when I decided that I would not be an emotionless person anymore.That I would allow myself to feel everything,even if it meant that I was going to experience extreme pain in the process.

Afterall,what's the point of living if you can't feel?That was my reasoning.

Now...I just wanna numb myself.Everything hurts too much.People hurt people.Even when they don't intend to.Even when they don't know it.They hurt each other all the time.They hurt by their words,their actions,their thoughts.

And the only way I could bear all of these is to think of my pride.Each time,I just remind myself that I am strong,and that I will NOT bow down to people who think to make me feel weak or inferior.

The past few months...each time I had felt hurt by Suffian,it was all I could do to keep my head up,banish every single thought from my mind,and then smile for him.That is,if I was still in front of him.

Other than that,I only kept myself blank,tensed,strong.Just so that I could break down like shit in the toilet.Even then I can't even let go as much as I want to;I muffle my gasps and screams as I'm crying.

Speaking of crying...I suddenly broke down in the toilet today.I have no idea why.I think it was...everything.All of it has accumulated over the past few days.It was scary.

At least I was in the toilet when it happened.

Anyway,my parents going off to Jakarta tomorrow night.It'll give me some breathing space,at least.And Saturday's gonna be great.I'm gonna make sure it will be.

Sigh...have tuition to go to after this...I'm so tired.-____-" Gotta go.Can't be late.Ciao.

P.S Suddenly thought of Ilyas.Was weird,last Saturday,when he said he really missed me.He has never said that before.Oh well.At least someone misses me.Other than my best friend,that is.

I'm gonna be able to have a breather for the next few days.Thank goodness for that.The last few days were just plain madness,I swear.

Partly my fault,I admit.But still...I'm still not over the irony of losing sleep (LOTS of it) over a report that is ABOUT studying the sleep patterns and habits of students from our school.-___-"

Okay.I'm just gonna forget about it,concentrate on the presentation,and work hard for the upcoming one.And for the rest of the modules,too.Chosen my modules a few minutes ago.^.^

Was a tough decision...but I'm hoping I made the right choice.If it wasn't for the fact that I had to take another SHL module and that Land-Based Experiential Learning is not available to us,I would've chosen more FCMs.=( So had to make a choice.

And what about life?Well,life has been hell.To the point that a very concerned Mar smsed me at 1+ am this morning to ask if I was okay,and to just call if I wanted to talk or something.I love my friends.=)

What I don't get was why the subject of Suffri was brought up sooo many times yesterday.=.= Ok,I do get it.But yeahhh...it's not exactly helping.>< It seriously sucks to think that that person I used to be close with is now an absolute stranger to me.Both literally and figuratively.

Other than that,my health is...well,slowly deteriorating.Can't really help it,I suppose.But I need to get over it.Fast.Each day I go to school,dreading that I might just faint dead away in the middle of nowhere,and get a concussion from it.o.o It's a bit melodramatic,but it's entirely possible.Have been feeling quite lightheaded the past few days.That,and quite sick,too.

All I wanna do is get through this final year in one piece.

Oh,and now I have another goal as well.And I sure as hell am gonna work hard towards it.For the first time ever in RP,it's not gonna be for anyone else.Not for RP,not for SHL,not for club,not for my parents,not for my resume.Just me.Nobody else but ME.

I thought that I could accomplish that through SDIG,but apparently,it wasn't meant to be.So no worries.This time round,I'm gonna make it happen.^ _ ^

Wish me luck!OMG.SHIT.I'm so late.-______-"

Taken off Najlah's Facebook note.I'm gonna highlight the ones that applies to me in italics.And in red,for good measure.

1. We only talk about our ex boyfriends to explain how much better YOU are than they were, no other reason.

2. IT'S THE TRUTH! We need a little challenge too. It's OK to act a little uninterested sometimes (don't go screwing some other chick or extreme behavior of the sort), we like to have to work to keep you by our side too. If you are too sweet, too fast, a girl could possibly lose interest.

3. We don't buy things because we expect gifts back, we are being genuinely nice.

4. Girls don't always want to hang out with girls. Just because we have guy friends does not mean that we want to be with them. We probably already had the chance and didn't take it.

5. If you mess up, we will almost always get angry before we actually calmly explain everything.

6. We do not all like dollies and pink. Do not treat us like we are fragile.

7. If we complain to you, it is because we confide in you, not because we want to torture you.

8. Don't expect us to make the same mistakes your ex did. If we do, it is not because there is some huge conspiracy against you. Maybe you are making a mistake, not us. Do not compare our mistakes to hers.

9. Girls get jealous too, usually worse than guys. We always feel like we have to fight for you, and will say anything mean about any girl you were speaking to, even if we never met her. Don't take offense, be glad we care so much about it.

10. Do not make promises or tell us you'll call when you know you'll forget or fall asleep. We will wait hours for that call. Just tell us you'll talk to us tomorrow.

11. if there's another girl, tell us. You might be surprised at our reaction. We don't all want to be serious either. It beats sneaking around.

12. We really do feel unattractive or overweight. There is a lot of competition out there. We need to be assured, even if its 600 times.

13. We don't search for compliments in the way you think. We are helping you by telling you exactly what we need to hear. Do not get annoyed, it will most likely cause an argument.

14. We want to hear we are prettier than the girl in the magazine, even if its not true. We don't think its cheesy. Stick to it, no matter how hard we push you.

15. We DO want to be called hot by you, just not all the time. Change it up.

16. We know you don't care about what happened in our day, but listen. It hurts us a lot when you don't pay attention.

17. We watch plenty of movies with you where girls remove clothing and do outrageously abnormal sexual things. When we ask you to watch a love story with us, we only want to spend time with you. It will not kill you, and it doesn't make you less of a man.

18. We don't mean to embarrass you. Don't get so angry with us when we do. We already feel terrible. We'll try not to next time.

19. Flowers and chocolate don't make everything better. You do.

20. We don't want to change you. We met you the way you are, and we love you. The suggestions are just that. We are used to changing a lot about our appearance, and mean not to offend you.

21. We are not all materialistic. Back rubs and making us dinner (even if its a sandwich because you can't cook!) are plenty sweet enough.

22. We like to pamper you, just don't take advantage.

23. Don't expect us to cook for you all the time. If we do, appreciate it, and let us know you do.

24. We don't really want a fairytale romance. You have your fantasy girls, we have our fantasy love. It's meant to stay that way. We want what's real, too.

25. We think you are the hottest guy in the world, no matter what anyone says, or what you do.

26. If you are a friend, do not ever agree with a girl when she calls her boyfriend anything along the lines of an asshole. Stand up for him and try to be positive. She may get mad initially, but she will later appreciate it and probably realize she was just overreacting. If she loves him, even if he really is a jerk, she will not take your advice to leave him. She will only do that when she feels she is ready to. If you try to convince her she will question your motives and may not want to speak to you.

27. Don't expect us to always come to you. We want you to come see us too.

28. We don't like to be nagged about where we are going or what we are doing either, but we usually hear you out.

29. We might let you go, but we are never "cool" wih you going to strip clubs. We are being very understanding by letting you go. It is advised that you be just as understanding about our feelings towards it. Please do not come home and tell us about it. We'll like to pretend it never happened.

30. Do not call us crazy. We are emotional and act in mysterious ways, but you are pushing a huge button when you call us crazy.

31. We go to the club to dance with our GIRL friends, not other guys. No, it is not the same if you go. We all know you are not dancing by yourself or with your guy friends. Be reasonable with your comparisons.

32. No, PMS is not an excuse, but we do not mean to be shitty to you. It IS a biological fact. Expect an apology, but you do not have the ability to sympathize with dealing with cramps or unstable emotions, so try to be understanding.

33. It is a general rule: Do not speak about other women in front of us. Women are apt to be much more insecure than men, and while we should not be talking about men in front of you either, you are setting yourself up for more of those "searching for compliment" questions. That, and its plain disrespectful. Just do it when we aren't around.

34. We will always get annoyed when you act cocky. We know who you really are and we love you. We will deal with it, but we absolutely detest it.

35. If you are a friend, respect your fellow man and do not attempt to woo her or try to get her to participate in questionable things. She will try to ignore it, but she HATES it.

36. We dress sexy because we want YOUR sexual attention, no one elses.

37. We don't put on makeup to impress anyone but ourselves. Do not worry if we put it on just to go to the store.

38. We may hang out all day with friends, and not call or talk to you, but at night, we just want to be next to you.

39. We like to have clean fun. What you may think is ridiculous and boring, we may actually find exciting, especially when we do it with closest friends. Don't try to understand. Just accept it.

40. When we cry, just listen. Even if you have no idea what we are talking about or saying. All we need is to feel heard.

41. Be careful when you roughhouse with us. We might act like we want you to really try, but we know you are stronger than us.

42. Not all girls are afraid to feel inferior to their man, just don't be condescending.

43. Tell us your fantasies. we want to fulfill them.

44. We probably like the same things you do in bed, you just haven't given us time to get comfortable with you. We aren't all freaks from the get-go. Give us a chance.

45. just because we don't have sex with you when you offer it doesn't mean we don't want to or we are trying to tease you. Our mothers taught us wisely. Be patient: if you can't, move on.

46. We aren't porn stars, do not hold such high standards.

47. unless you want us to treat you like you don't matter around OUR friends, don't treat US that way.

48. We're nice to your family because we want them to like us, so we can be closer to you. It does not always mean we like them.

49.Just because we say we love you doesn't mean we want to get married. You don't have to get sacred and run away. We'll understand if you don't feel that way too.Remember that we are emotional. We just need to know where we stand with you.

50. We're not trying to betray you when we ask your guy friends advice on our relationship with you. They know you best, and we're probably only saying good things about you anyway.

51. We don't expect you to be like the guys in the movies that romance the girl. We know life isn't like that. Don't worry so much about doing amazing things, just thoughtful things. For instance; cleaning dishes, spending the night alone, making the bed, or remembering something that she might forget. We appreciate that so much more.

52. Don't freak out about Valentine's day or anniversaries. If the girl is mad that you forgot your three month anniversary, she needs to grow up (move on, it's ok). Kisses, cards, and/or just a Happy Valentine's day hug are absolutely acceptable. We understand that you can't buy or do outrageous things.

53. Tell us what you want in bed. You are not as easy to figure out by reactions. If you want it, just ask.
Don't push it if she won't do it. She probably has good reason, and it will just make her feel terrible if she can't or isn't comfortable with doing it. We never want to deprive you.

54. It's ok to confide in us, even if you cry. We will not tell the world of your weaknesses or make you feel less masculine because of it.

55. We don't expect you to have 6 pack abs, nor do we really want you to. Like huge boobs and perfect asses, they are just nice to look at.

56. We don't want to hear about your past sexual endeavors. We really don't care how many people you've been with, just that you are with us now. However, we are naturally curious, and will ask questions. Don't EVER answer them. EVER. No matter what we say.

57. Hide your porn properly. We don't want to know that you have it or use it. It hurts to know that we may not be providing you with something that you need.

58. Girls snoop. Especially when we just meet you. We're sorry, but we automatically have no trust in you, and must find out for ourselves what you are like. A lot of us won't admit it, and may never tell you that we have. It's a terrible habit of which we are ashamed. Remember this when you have old photos or other things you do not want us to see in your room.

59. Most girls will just want you to be honest with them, even if it hurts. If you just want sex, make it clear. Not all girls need to be lied to to get them in bed. We like to have fun too. If the one you are going after is not interested, I'm sure there's another at the bar more than willing.

60. Do not sleep with a girl if she is drunk unless you are prepared for the worst drama of your life. She may deny it, she may own up to it, she may make you look like a schmuck to the entire town. Either way, know the consequences

Needless to say,I find nearly the whole thing applies to me.Maybe I should add my own to it? =D

It's a lot to ponder upon...still doing that,actually.Aite,then.Need to start on freaking worksheet.Ciao.

Unfortunately,I think that I will get very,very sick.Soon.

I recognise the signs.The same ones that were there before.

These days,I can't seem to eat.I'd get hungry.I'd want to eat.But somehow,when I get around to eating,I suddenly feel very full.Or...just can't eat.Don't find the need to.

Also,there's the matter of my sleep.I've been having chaotic dreams since last week.Always,will wake up feeling confused.And tired.Sometimes,I wake up in the middle of the night as well.Like last night.Interrupted sleep.Not a good sign.

Then,there's me living every day to exhaustion.Each time I get home,I don't feel like doing anything but heading for the showers,and then to bed.I'd somehow make sure that I get super tired physically each day,so that I'll just knock out at the end of the day.

Physically,emotionally and mentally drained.

The mood swings are also...pointing towards the same direction?

The last time that I didn't eat much for 2 weeks or so,was before I met Suffian.I think that I had stopped the day I met Suffian.Not that it was because of him,though.Just...stopped.And that was partly due to depression,partly suppressed frustration,partly suppressed hurt as well.


I.need.to.get.out.of.this.

Somehow,I won't be surprised if I fall sick within the next few days.My eyes can barely open right now.Gonna take a nap.Ciao.

...stupid?Hahaha...Well.Depends on who you ask.If you ask me,I'm gonna say that I now have a rebellious look about me.Kinda.XD

Woke up damn early on Saturday (not by choice!),and suddenly decided to just chop off the whole lot of my hair.Thought of perming,but no cash.So instead...I asked the lady to cut it short,and layered.Unfortunately,according to Ayan,it looks nice from the back but ridiculous from the front.Oh well.He's the one obsessed with hair.

So this is what I did the whole weekend:

Friday
Met up with Begum after FYP meeting.More like when I calmed myself down.She originally wanted to buy me ice-cream (and dinner as well,I think) at Swensen's.But,because my mum called to say that the whole family's gonna watch Transformers 2 at 2330 hours that night,I told Begum that I had to be home early.

In the end,we went to Mac's.She bought me a meal!And the most delicious thing I've had in a while.It's called Cinnamon Melts.It's been soo long since I've had cinnammon!^___^

We sat down,enjoyed the meal while chatting away...talked about our days at Ma'arif,etc.Was more enjoyable than Wednesday.

My parents changed their mind.=.= So we took our time.

Ran into Asa on the way to the MRT.He looked totally lost...and I was quite sure that my aunt didn't know where he was.He said he was on the way to the arcade.And he walked off.

Called my aunt,and she asked me to bring him home.Was already nearly 10 at that time..So I did.Called my parents to tell them I was gonna find him and send him home.They told me to bring him to Simei,and then we'll send him home.

So we reached,stayed for a while,went off to get petrol for the car,then went home.In the end,submitted my RJ late.-__-"

Saturday
Woke up damn early in the morning,after having a restless sleep the entire night.Suddenly decided to just chop off my entire hair.Must be the stress and such.Usually,when I'm very emotional and stressed out,I'll feel like chopping off my hair.But somehow,my liking for long hair will always win out.

This time round,I felt nothing.So just told my mum that I wanted to cut my hair before my parents and sis left off for JB.

Called Khai as soon as they left the house.Think I kinda woke her up from her sleep.=D Asked her to accompany me.

So we went in the afternoon.Afterwards,sat at Mac's for 3 hours or so,reminiscing about...the past.Went to get her mum French loaves,then walked all the way back to her house.It had looked promising,with the drizzling and flashes of lightning across the vast skies.

But somehow,even as I walked back to the bus interchange,it didn't start pouring.Didn't matter,though.The walk...was good.It did me some good.Cleared my mind,for a while.

It only poured when I was on the bus,reaching Simei.So I got drenched from the bus stop all the way to the house.It felt good.

Took a look at my new hair...and took some pictures.One of it...well.I resembled my cousin,to my horror.She is not someone I would ever wanna look like,be like,or just...have anything to do with,really.

Sunday
Troubled sleep again,just like the past few nights for the entire week..Was worried that I was gonna have a relapse...have insomnia again..

Dreamt of Suffian again...wanted to cry.

Went off for FYP meeting in Bugis.Only Idah and Ian were there.After it ended,walked to Suntec to buy the tickets for Transformers 2.

Waited for the rest of the family to show up.While doing so,noticed the huge crowds near the cinema.Turns out that there was a church there.It was their last day there,so everyone was going for the service.The girl I had asked,asked me if I wanted to go for the service.Said that there's nothing wrong in it,because I'll just be listening.Even asked if I was local.LOL.

Throughout the entire movie...kept remembering Suffian.Only one sentence kept going through my brain:"Do you want me to go in deeper?".That sentence,in his voice,just send shivers down my spine each time I think about it.Which was a lot.

It had gotten me so aroused that I didn't even think about peeing,even though my bladder was bloody full (finished an entire drink on my own).Even though my mum and sis went off to the toilet,and it was damn tempting...

Wondered why...he has this effect on me.Wondered if I had the same effect on him.But...it's just..physical.He's not into me in any other way.I should be that way as well...I'm trying to be.However...if I do,then I'll be totally cold.Heartless.I'll just get very withdrawn,won't let any guy into my life.As it is...I think that that is already in the process.

I don't feel anything anymore.Even though I should.

I'm gonna get myself back into the present.Not think about the past nor future.Should think about NOW.And that also means that I should not get into a contemplative mood in the middle of the night,causing me to not be able to sleep until 2 in the morning.>.<" Ciao.

Just finished FYP meeting.Just disgraced myself with my appearance right now,right in front of my entire team and my supervisor.

The disadvantage of having fair skin is that if you cry like shit,the whole world will know.My eyes are freaking red.And look wet.So's the skin under my eyes,across my nose,and somewhere at my cheekbones.

I can't believe I went out of the toilet still looking like that.The entire team noticed,obviously,but even tactless Gabriel didn't say a word.

It's that time of the month.So I'm having my mood swings.The stress from school does not help.In fact,it's making my mood swings worse.And now,more than ever,I need support.Emotional,moral,anything.But the main thing is that I need someone to be there,physically.In person.I'm falling to pieces.

I feel like I'm at my wits' end.I feel like at any time,I could just break.I'm hoping like hell that it won't happen.It nearly did.

I'm trying to cope with FYP,my daily grades,my horrible UT grades,the ridiculous ostracising by my Sports Management class,the corporate event next week (and huge possibility of a scolding from my parents),and maths.Without which I can't graduate.But looks like I might not.Just look at my sucky grades right now.

The first person I could turn to turned his back away as soon as my mood swings kicked in.When I'm in this mood,I get irritated easily.I get upset easily.Yet...all he could do was retaliate.And not try to understand the underlying reason.

Seriously...I don't get freaking upset or pissed off without reason.I'm not THAT unreasonable.I'm usually just...happy.Or hyper.Little things make me happy.People find it strange that I get happy at the smallest of things.But that's just me.

So then I wonder why each time I get upset,the men in my life don't try to find out why it is so.All they do is to just...tell me off for getting upset.Which just worsens everything.

I hate having to rely so much on people.People disappoint.People are never there when you need them.But unfortunately,no man is an island,right?I could just hate the person that came up with that saying.For it to be so true.

I hate knowing that each time this happens...I would need someone to be there for me.I tried to pull through on my own but it'll just get worse.It'll accumulate so much that I might someday reach the ultimate breaking point.At that point of time,if there is no one to stop me,you'll just see me next at my own funeral.

I hate feeling so weak.

Back to the whole needing-people-to-be-there-and-yet-they're-not.

I'm just grateful that Begum is free.Even though I accidentally sent the sms to Suffian instead.Was too upset to look properly.And his reply made me cry even more.Gah.

I do feel a bit better after crying.

I need to get ice cream,a good book,a good talk,and lots of hugs.

I think it's the one thing that Suffian doesn't get;I need hugs.I'm a physical person.When I'm upset,just a hug and I'll feel slightly better.It sounds weird,but it works.

But when he doesn't...I start wondering if it's because he's not used to hugging people or he just doesn't wanna hug me.Sigh.

I need to get out of here.Get a hug.Get soaked in the rain.

It's at times like this that I wanna go back to training.Kick the crap out of someone.Get kicked like shit,and get bruises all over.At the very least I'll know that I'm alive.Living.

SHIT.Ok,right now,I'm so gonna get into a lot of trouble with my parents.Dammit.I need to go.

AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NONONONONO!!!!!!!!!

How could she not tell him that she loves him and let him go just like that!!!!!!???????????

And how could HE told Hyorin "Let's get married".NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

T_____________________T

Two,short,miserable chapters.And ended with him saying to Hyorin that they should get married after they get into college.I wanna kill him for being such an idiot.Shin and Chae Gyung are MADE FOR EACH OTHER!!

Ok,I'm gonna go home now.And rant about this to Begum.

EH!Suddenly occurred to me.Is it TODAY that the Saudis are playing against the South Koreans???O.O

Oh no!!!*checks AYG website* IT IS LAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!MISSED TWO FREAKING GOOD MATCHES SOME MORE!!!!!!T________________T

Apparently,DPR Korea won 4-2 against Laos.And Republic of Korea won 5-0 against the Saudis.FIVE goals!!!!ARGH!!!*kicks myself in the butt*

Never mind.Shall rush home to watch the highlights later!Ok,gotta go now.Ciao!

So here I am once more,sitting in the library in school instead of heading home...I had needed to calm myself down.There's just too much emotions piling in all at once and today,after so long,I nearly felt suicidal again.

Of course,the fact that I'm PMS-ing doesn't help either.It's probably enhancing every single negativity that I'm experiencing right now.

Crying doesn't solve anything.So what does?Ignoring the problem doesn't make it go away,either.Two very important things that I constantly have to remind myself.

The only bright spot for today was seeing Suffian smile at me when I was passing him waffles that I bought for him.Even though,technically,I think I wasn't supposed to be there.Luckily,there were no security guards around to chase me back to the canteen.=)

But after class...seeing him so silent like that...I know he's always thinking.Time after time,I just wish that I could assuage the guilt,the pain...everything that I saw in his eyes that I cannot put a name to.I go by instinct.And,being a woman,I have the addition of the famous "women's instincts" on my side.

When you want to tell what kind of person you're dealing with,or what a person is really feeling,look into his/her eyes.

Each time I look into his,when he's in this mood,all I see is a myriad of emotions.That is mirrored in my own,I think.That's how my eyes have always been.Because that's how I'm always feeling when I like someone.

That amusing and interesting conversation that Reena,E-lynn,Chong and I had about guys last Thursday comes to mind.Reena said that an older friend once said to her,"There are three pillars of relationship.If one is not there,the entire thing crumbles.The three are trust,patience and mutual respect.If you don't have this,your relationship will never last."

I wonder if...any of those three are present.In both of us.We definitely respect each other.He is someone I could really respect for who he is.Unlike Roy,or Fendy,or any random guy.

Trust and patience?I don't know...Do I trust him?Yeah.Of course I do.But the question is how much.Do I have patience?I've never been a patient person...I've learnt patience under difficult circumstances.This would be one of them..?Main thing is...how long will my patience last?Or his,for that matter?

This is random.But I suddenly feel like quoting Oscar Wilde.
"Watch your thoughts,for they become actions.Watch your actions,for they become character.Watch your character,for they become destiny."

It's getting really dark,outside...It's a Thursday night.I really hope that he finds peace within himself in the mosque.That was why when he said that he wanted to go to the mosque today,I didn't ask anything else about it.He needs his own space.Heck,I need my own space too!It's Begum's downfall,sometimes,and I'm used to it.

That said...my mind is still thinking about yesterday,at times.I nearly choked when Suffian's classmates started talking enthusiastically about Transformers 2.Because at every single scene that they mentioned,I could picture exactly what was going on between us...*blushes deeply* I'm so glad that none of them paid me any attention.Wasn't sure if they'd have seen me blushing...His whispered voice still resonates in my head.*blush*

I love Cathay for having the brilliant idea of having couple seats.^_^ It was my first time...and I think that from now on,I wanna get those kinda seats every time I watch a movie.It's so spacious!Well,obviously it has to be...to make it more conducive for couples.Hence,the name.Lol...Oh well.Shall try to experience those seats again.Maybe to watch Harry Potter!Now THAT,would be sooo comfortable!^___^

Ok,yay!All cheered up!Lol...ok,not really.But at least I'm not all doom and gloom,right??=] Shall go catch up on my Goong manhwa (TWO new chapters!!!) and THEN head home.Lol.I'm so dead when I reach home.Ciao!